I'm ready to crawl out of my skin.

The last few weeks have been an absolute roller coaster.   For example, a week and a half ago I was lying in bed crying uncontrollably.  I thought I was losing my mind.  I was lonely and depressed and down.  The next few days I was freezing, literally freezing, I just wanted to crawl out of my skin.  I was crabby and irritable.  Then on Wednesday something changed.  I suddenly had endless amounts of energy and was in great spirits.  I worked manically on a new design for my blog and bought a domain and moved the whole thing to a different platform (http://www.affairsofliving.com).  Over the weekend, I was in a really good mood.  I went to the gym a couple times.  I even ran.  I sweat.  No more chills.  Instead, I feel like I'm running at a million miles an hour in my brain.

Right now I know I shoudl be sleeping.  But I just can't make myself slow down enough to sleep.  this won't be good tomorrow.  i know i'll feel underrested.

i have that shaky feeling in my low back.  it originates from the lower left part, right behind my spleen.  this is such a weird sensation; it vibrates and shakes and feels like there is something trying to crawl out of me.  it happens on and off - like lyme makes things happen - but it especially shows up at night.  when i'm overtired.  like now.

in college i used to get a shivering stomach a lot.  late at night i'd have this terrible shaky, cold, shivery feeling in my abdomen that was almost unbearable.  i thought everyone had that feeling when they stayed up too late.   i guess i still think that; do you have it too, do you  have that feeling?  now instead of just the shivery abdomen, i have the shivery low back.  it is weird.

right now as i lie here i am so hungry.  it is 1 am and i shouldn't eat.  i have shooting pains in my upper legs, my knees feel a little achy, and my throat is a little bit sore.  i have a headache.  i have the shivers (they start every night at about 10:30).  my low back is achy.  and of course, i have the shivery low back.  i have a weird prickly feeling in my ankles and the tops of my feet.  and tomorrow morning, when i get up, i know the bottoms of my feet will hurt.

the last couple nights i haven't been able to sleep.  it just isn't happening.  i'm not getting tired until it is much later than it should be.  this is frustrating, because i know i need to sleep to heal.  i'm breaking my body down by not sleeping more.

I want my final test results back from Dr. Raxlen's office.  Everything else came back fairly positive, actualy.  No hyperperfusion, no totally alarming bloodwork.  But I do have significant amounts of biofilms.  I'm still waiting on the tests from the coinfections.  My SPECT scan showed no signs of hyperperfusion (thank god) or lesions or anything unusual. I'm really excited to talk to him about what he thinks about all these results; he was out of the office for a couple weeks and now he's back, and I'm ready to talk.

but right now, i know i need to go to sleep.  i'm lying here in bed, typing in one window, with the L Word playing in another window for background noise.  i'm breathing in deeply, the air humid from my brand new humidifier (love it, the best $25 I've spend in a logn time).  I'm wondering how long my journey will take.  I'm wondering how these antibiotics will continue to effect me.  I've only taken omnicef for a week and a half, and zithromax for three days.  this saturday I start minocin.  then i'm on everything for now.  but i imagine that Dr. Raxlen will probably put me on more, depenidng on how the test results come back.

I'm wondering when/if the really bad Herxing will being. i'm wondering when my life will regain a bit of normalcy. i'm wondering if i will ever get back my menstrual cycle.  if I do, i'm wondering if I will ever be able to conceive, and if I do, if I will have children that are healthy and not full of B. Burgdorferi.  not that i am in a relationship or anything, this is all just hypothetical fear that is plaguing my brain.  hell, i'm wondering if I'll ever date again.  when you don't go out much, have severely limited hormone production working against you, and have never really been all that good at dating, it seems nearly impossible.  How is it possible for my biological clock to be ringing when there's no batteries in it?

too many thoughts and fears plaguing me.

but thankfully, i seem to have written myself into being sleepy.

xoxo